In my dreams I’m fighting for a family that is no longer able to grow as it was. What am I hoping for when “family” has defined itself a lot differently than a true one would? Differently than I would have expected?
Writing about what’s happened seems like a waste of time, but nothing done in faith is a waste. What do I have faith in anymore? If I can’t trust the ones who say they love her, yet dishonor her memory by dishonoring what she was building.
Why not let them have the mess that is OS, and build faith in myself? What did I really do when I supported my bride’s pursuit of the self made American Dream?
I’m meant to have more questions than answers so that I will know how to protect what’s mine from vultures. Parasites that didn’t trust in their own ability to create something lasting for themselves.
I must build trust in my skills and abilities to have my own creation that everyone’s into a provision for other likeminded creatives. I must trust in my ability to inspire.
I must trust in the ability to heal. Life has hurt tremendously so far. It’s not over either. More laughter is on the way. More help is on the way. Help me be patient. I really need help with patience. I want so much to just be over so I can move on with my own life. A life devoid of expectations. A life of responsibilities I have chosen for the health and development of what I alone am responsible for/to.
A life where I can look at myself every day, and be proud of what I am about to do/have done. What am I fighting for if not my own ability to rest in peace, and rise in power. Power over my own day. Doing things that bring me to life, and keep me hoping for more. The energy I felt working for Piedmont, but under my own control.
The Pipe Dream. A Platform that provides for generations to build the lives they desire in their own heart. Why can’t I be the generational anomaly that allows for wealth to come in? It takes work. I am a worker. I have worked for other’s dreams. I can work for my own.
I will work for my own dreams to be reality. I will empower myself to dream. I need help to do that.
It has to be ok that I feel overwhelmed, and express it. Somehow. Or else, I’ll feel eaten alive every day. And, I’ll want to give up. I don’t want to give up. I do want to be useful again. I want to produce usefulness. Produce purpose that pays. I want to be able to actively save towards a future worth living. A now worth living. A now worth dreaming.
I am honestly scared to share myself with the world. With even one person. To even let the world into my thoughts is daunting. I, for real, don’t know how I am going to let this one go for anyone to read. But, that’s what being open to healing is all about. Growing in being willing to be open about where I am with my struggles right now. I won’t get better if I hide.
I won’t get better. If. I. Hide.
I am fighting for the opportunities to not hide. Because. Grief is love crying out to be shared.