Are these dreams night terrors since she departed from death? I chase and chase and chase in my time of nocturnal rest, only to barely catch her. And when I do catch up to her…She has left me for another man.
At first, it is an unknown man who has captured her heart. Yet, when I awaken from one nightmare after another, I realize it wasn’t her heart that was stolen from me. It was her spirit. Her life. Her very existence stolen away by Death himself. There are parts of me that know this when I am sleeping, but waking up to my new reality that she is gone reignited the pain of her death so early.
She had dreams she wanted to live long enough to experience. She had hopes she was ready to fulfill. She had songs she wanted to watch continue to grow. She had plans that came crashing down around us because of our battle with cancer.
She was building her dream in real life with goals so specific, you would think she had this plan for decades. I wasn’t a part of her plans decades ago, because we had not yet met. Our kids weren’t even a twinkle in her eyes 30 years ago.
A lot changed in the blink of an eye. Snap of a finger. Multiple times for us as parents. Her dream of having a family business that would take care of our children’s children’s children. Destroyed. Just like that as she expired. “I’m done,” was one of the last things we shared together.
Humans don’t get done though. Humans aren’t supposed to expire so quickly. The dismantling of a family. The devastation of my hope in being able to help us both heal. The joy of watching my bride come to life over business and her children succeeding in their individual lives.
She dreamed of being able to see the world…with me. We dreamed of making our family business grow into a global experience. We dreamed of launching so many ideas. We dreamed of making so much money.
Now, I am left behind to grieve not only the death of my partner, but the death of so many of our dreams.
Now, I must start building dreams without the mind of my bride. A mind that was eager to grow our influence. A partnership that was protected from my side. A heart that was huge and eager to share the success of having something that was our own.
She never dreamed that there would be sides to pick, because everything she was doing she was doing for her entire family. She never dreamed that her family would have divided so soon after she died. She never dreamed that this would be the struggle of those who survived the inevitable of what multiple myeloma causes.
The heaviness of her departure weighs on me in a crippling fashion. So many questions I won’t receive answers to. So many emotions I feel like aren’t easy to honor. So many hopes and dreams that died with my bride.
And so continues the long road of recovering from the most devastating loss of my life. So much sleep being lost because of the stored emotions that now have nowhere to go. Grief is deep sorrow, usually at the loss of something important. I’ve lost one of the most important aspects of my life. We were building a life of dreams and bringing those dreams into reality. Together. With help.
Now where’s my help to bring new dreams into reality? How do I dream of a world worth living when I can barely get past the dreams now deferred? When does the sadness of my grief transform into something usable?
We turned the devastation of a child born with medical complications into a business worth building. We built the business and brought others in because we all need help to make more out of ourselves than we could ever do so on our own.
As I grieve the death of the woman I was going to grow older with, I wait for my help that is on the way. My help that is already here. My help that I struggle to see because of the clouds of depression at the realization of dreams differed. Dreams stolen while we were still in the prime of our marriage and parenting. Dreams to share grandkids together eventually.
Dreams that are meant to live. And pains that deserve to die. Living with unrealized dreams in grief leads to a life of needing help. It still takes a village. My village is helping me hold out hope for dreams. For a life worth living. For happiness and joy in the deepest parts of my existence. Dreams are meant to inspire. Maybe one day, my dreams will be more than they have become. I may come to a place where I am no longer haunted by the empty space that was my bride, but encouraged and inspired to get back to a life of love that we were building. I may have to build on my own until I am able to have a team help me stay positive. And I am hoping that it’s worth the wait.
Until then…I will keep hoping & dreaming for a better…brighter now. Moment by moment.