No one could have prepared me for the reality my sons and I now face. No one could have prepared me for the difficult sleep patterns I am now experiencing.
Daily, she dances with another man in my dreams. Nightly, I struggle to find peace in my rest. And, I don’t know what it represents.
The “she” is my recently deceased bride of 14 years, though we were together for 19. We worked together, through our imperfections, so that one son was ready for the next phase of his life at college. We were working together to bring our second son with developmental delays up in a loving, supportive environment for his needs.
For whatever reason, my any time of the day slumber is haunted by a sense that I will always be chasing a satisfying life with her. Maybe I am stuck? Maybe I am stuck because I wasn’t ready to be without her physical presence. She wasn’t ready to give it up.
Every scenario I am challenged by in sleep is one that doesn’t ever have to do with the reality of her death. She’s always disinterested in what my reason for the dream is. She’s always with a dark presence that I can’t comprehend. A coldness towards me that makes me wish I was dead.
It’s not that I wake up and wish I were dead. Sometimes, it’s that I wish I weren’t waking to the challenges of widowerhood. The questions that I want to ask, that won’t ever be answered. The struggle to “move on” even though the questions continue.
I wasn’t ready to be a widower. I didn’t even know it was something that could happen, until it happened. There’s no place to go to study about the after-effects of death before they are experienced. There’s no interest in knowing the subject, until it happens.
It’s what I would imagine discovering quick sand to be like. The world around this pit is moving at regular speed. The seconds on the clock haven’t changed their pulse. But, my emotional world has grinded to a near halt. How do I keep from coming to a complete stop? It just feels like I’m working my way to oblivion. Like everything is a distraction from the main reason for my life.
What’s the next step for getting unstuck…repetitively?
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