Death comes to us all. Some of us are prepared when it arrives. Sometimes, it comes “like a thief in the night.” No matter when or how, death can leave a mammoth hole in place of the person that was taken. Waking daily and walking through the commitments can become a mundane experience if there aren’t those commitments to hold on to.
I never thought that taking a shower would feel so less than ordinary. I never thought that holidays would come to feel so empty. So…hollow. But, without them I wouldn’t know what day it was. I would wake up and lay in bed. That can’t be an inspiring normal. It can’t be a normal that I would want to experience day in and day out for the rest of my life.
But, lately…it has become the normal I have. A normal with limited direction. A normal that, quite honestly, I haven’t adjusted to very well. It feels like I’m trapped in a world that has very limited resources at the moment to resolve the sorrow, and instant aimlessness this new life has to offer. A transition into a life that is far less evolutionary than life with my wife.
A life where I was always made aware of what needed to change, or where I needed to grow. My constant gauge of how I am growing is no longer here. How do I move forward with so much of the old life still unresolved. Bills that have piled up. Debts that have overwhelmed. A family business that imploded. A new normal with so many struggles.
While life continues for others, life for me seems to have slowed to a crawl. It hasn’t stopped because I’m still breathing and moving. But, it certainly has slowed down considerably. Which leaves me with questions! Loads of questions.