How does anyone make their way through the loss of meaningful anything’s? Remaining awake long enough to impact worlds around me? Feeling the energy drain out as the mornings progress into afternoons…which progress into evenings on repeat. A new cycle of living is becoming my new normal. And, all I feel is the numbness of being forced into a new cycle of living.
There’s no course to prepare anyone for what feels like a lobotomy, or the wiping away of a life. But, that’s exactly what has happened. Lives got wiped out when she died. All I have are memories and videos of a woman who was once so full of life! Double fisting New Year’s Eve drinks as the DJ plays “Yeah” by Usher. A woman who would degrade her own ability to feed many with good food. A woman who was strong in ways that I needed.
I feel as though I am good enough to get my son Jonah where he needs to go, and then either write or sleep. What does that mean for me? What is the point to moving forward without her? What is the point to pursuing my passion when my passions have led to loss & grief. It’s so hard to want to give myself to relationships knowing the impermanence of them. Knowing that all things are so fragile is heartbreaking. It may be my entry point into the depression portion of grieving?
In a mad dash to get some guidance on how to do life now, I have consumed so many resources on Grief & Grieving. Some aspects agree. Some commentaries don’t. Who do I listen to? Who do I ignore? How did those “experts” become experts? Is there a list of qualifications one must reach before they can become a talking head on the subject of navigating grief? Why do I want to try and be one?
How long does someone have to grieve before they can become an expert on the subject of grieving well? Why did life have to take a turn to where I would have to manage death…again…while having to navigate a life that has long since crumbled apart. Decisions were made to remove relationships from my life because of the fallout from her death. The pain of having to mourn someone’s seemingly untimely death as well as continue to work towards goals that now seem arbitrary is so heavy.
What is “Grieving Well” anyways? Is it a good day when I don’t stare off into nothing wondering what the next loss will be? Or, have I done my grief justice when I cry in the most inopportune place publicly that I can find? Maybe, it’s that I am able to get through a dinner with family? Maybe instead of sitting like a bump on a log waiting for my time to go back to bed, I engage with others? But, what if I don’t want to? What if I don’t want to go anywhere because it costs money…and I don’t have access to a typical job anymore? Single parenting is not easy! It’s even more of a challenge when it wasn’t planned.
Am I grieving well when I put the needs of my children above my need to feel like I’m here for more than just my kids? Am I grieving well by writing out these thoughts for others to read? The fear of doing so is perhaps the strongest I have ever experienced in my life. But, this is where I am now. Questioning the power of my purpose.
“What is the purpose” is a question that floats in my mind often. Is that normal for those grieving the death of someone so close? Especially when I was her caregiver. A role I feel like I was born to satisfy, but not the only role I was born to occupy.
So now begins the search for deeper meaning and purpose. Something that will help me relieve the pressure of wanting to “be ok.” I may not be “OK” for a while still…and, that has to be ok…right? This numbness will go away….RIGHT?!