Hey Julie,
Life hasn’t felt the same since you’ve been gone. It’s like a huge piece of me is missing. I can still hear and see you in my head, and I can feel you near me when I close my eyes. But when I open my eyes or look for you, I’m reminded that what’s left of you is just downstairs. What’s left in my head is the endless gap that was your place in our lives.
That gap has a sound in my head. It’s like super strong Velcro, or the tearing of really thick skin. And you know I’m not great at visualizing things, so it gives me the heebie-jeebies. But that’s how life feels now. It’s like breaking a bone that will never heal. I know what that’s like because I shattered my femur.
Somehow, this feels like so much more was crushed when we had to say goodbye. You’re dead, but not gone. Here, but not here. It’s all so surreal. I wish I could trust myself to do what’s necessary to start healing what will never fully heal. It might never be as strong as it was before.
Different.
Forever different is how I am now. Without you to guide us with your wisdom. Your passion for learning how to run a business. I’m so sorry we didn’t have the time to do it a more proper way. You drove this family to want to be and do more, and that part of me misses you. I can barely decide what to eat or when to eat it.
Jonah is doing his best with what’s left of my energy, and I’m so grateful that he has school. I miss us having a place to go when we needed to escape the house. He loved his trampoline, and I loved seeing you behind your desks. Big and small, or when you could get down on the floor to sift through the buckets of sea glass.
Sometimes, it feels like you’re on a trip to Florida or something for work, and I’m waiting for you to come back. Or, when you started treatment, I drove you to Indianapolis. The waiting for the next time I can drive to see you is tough. It’s just me, our van, and the anticipation of seeing your smile.
But, I’m reminded that you’re here, but not here forever. Then I wonder… is it my turn next? Is it soon? Life is so different now. Because of what happened recently, everything feels different. The things that used to be important are no longer even on my mind. The goals we had for the future aren’t even goals I think about anymore.
My life has changed a lot. They were always going to change, but it’s hard to handle the weight of how much they’ve changed. I guess I need to admit it in some way. I’m not alone in this. I know others have gone through what I’m going through, and I know it won’t be the last time.