When I lay me down to sleep, I hope I get so deep in that I don’t have dreams. So deep in my sleep that I can’t see what my mind is fumbling with. Imagine! You’re going along with waking dreams, living a life with clear goals. When, all of a sudden, BAM! Nothing is the same as it was.
Living this life of surviving cancer as a widower has been…
Unbelievable.
One of the stages of the Kubler-Ross model of Grieving is “Denial.” Could I be in perpetual denial because of the subjects of my dreams? Dreams where she’s gone to the other side, and I am still trying to figure out what we’re left to do here on Earth. Dreams where she’s liberated herself of the challenges of being human, but I can still access her presence…only to find she doesn’t want my presence with hers…yet.
Dreams of what we were building here in this life on Earth. Dreams that were becoming reality before our eyes. We were living our dream, and growing with the challenges of being together doing it. I will forever be proud of what she accomplished knowing what she endured to get to where she was. I will forever love her in spite of how we used to argue.
I dream of times we may have made alternate choices in the heat of a conversational battle that would lead to a togetherness that caused each one of us to grow up. To grow up for the sake of our future togetherness. I dreamt of being the model relationship people looked at, and wish they had what we did.
But, the choices that were made have shaped a life without her now. A life of being lost, as a dear friend pointed out. The challenge of living a life of adventure dissolved to waiting for my son to get out of school. I am his chauffeur, his caregiver, his provider, and protector.
I’m basically living a life change from four to two, and I have forgotten how to dream. When dreams get interrupted so abruptly, it becomes very difficult to get back on a track towards dream realization.
How do we pursue dream realization when it’s hard to keep a positive outlook due to the absence of one of the most important people in my life? The social butterfly of our relationship. When the most impactful aspect of my development has been cut short, how do I manage and maintain a hopeful outlook on what feels to me to be such a struggle to even want to dream?
Feeling lost without her in my life to guide us towards something tangibly enjoyable has been debilitating to say the least.
Add to it sleeping late because I just want to see her again, and the only way I can on my terms is in my nocturnal dreams. It’s like I’m stuck in a headspace that just wants her back. Without the excruciating levels of pain she was experiencing at the end of our battle. I just want to see my bride again.
So, I interrupt my own nighttime dreams because most of the time it is unbearable not being able to touch her…kiss her…hold her hand. I long for her companionship. I really long for movement out of my heartbroken stagnation.
Heartbroken stagnation leads to days when I just don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to spend the energy to run and gin, spending money that I can’t afford, only to end up back in bed. Until tomorrow when I rinse/repeat.
“This is rock bottom, bro.” But, there was hope in his voice. Experience in his voice, like he’s lived through his share of them. Like he had overcome more than a few of his own.
I want to ask, and know, how long am I assigned this bottom? I have endured a lot of fallouts, and survived. But, not on my own completely. Though I am not completely on my own.
I dream because it gives me hope for an adventure beyond my deepest dreams. I cut my dreams short because of the pain of loss, and its lingering effects on my life. The light that feels stolen with each new day.